It’s two weeks since I began my Spiritual Laws project. Although I had supposed I’d spend roughly 10 days on each law, 14 days on I’ve decided to stick with Law 1 until it becomes a little more effortless. In the previous post I shared some of the things I’ve found difficult, and some of the ways I’d ‘modified’ my commitments to ensure I still did something towards them even when I couldn’t do them ‘properly’. That approach has helped ease me into things perhaps, but I feel I am more ready now to throw myself in, and that I need the benefits of doing so.

I was once told about, and I hope I am remembering this correctly, the various stages of conscious living. That there is:

unconscious unconsciousness – where we are unconscious and do not know it;

conscious unconsciousness – where we are becoming aware of the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that come from the unconscious state;

conscious consciousness – where we are aware of our unconsciousness and are deliberately trying to be more conscious more of the time;

and finally unconscious consciousness – where we are naturally and effortlessly conscious, aware, and present as the master of our thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

Having had a little experience with unconscious consciousness, as well as with a fun, lighthearted sort of conscious consciousness, I am finding quite frustrating now to feel like I am really labouring through a process of deliberately exerting effort to become more conscious – and even so, only getting so far as to recognize my unconsciousness most of the time. I feel I am still very much in my mind right now – very much in a place of knowing what I ‘should’ be thinking, saying to myself, and feeling; but very much not in a place of actually, genuinely feeling it. At least, not often. I know I can be, I know I have been before, I know it’s what my Divine Nature wants and does naturally. And yet I’m experiencing a lot of resistance around doing those practical things that would help me re-experience this.

I think it may be, at least in part, that I feel I ‘should’ be able to just get myself back there by myself, quickly and easily. I ‘should’ just slip into it on demand like I was previously able to do. I shouldn’t need to do anything ‘special’ or apply anything in particular. But when this doesn’t happen naturally, my mind says something like this:

“What’s wrong with you? You know how to do this. You’ve been here before. You know you want to have it again, so just do it!! Come on, do it now! Just relax… I said relax! Just allow your awareness to expand…. You’re not doing it! Come on! Okay, just breathe… there we go… now open… are you starting to feel better yet? You should be… come on… relaxing… opening… do you feel that?… No?! Try harder… feel it, damnit, feel it!…”

Sounds like the perfect narrative for peace, right?! So yes, the main thing I am conscious of at the moment is how hard – too hard – I am trying to be conscious! So until I’ve surrendered to the meditation I feel I need, succeeded in quieting my mind, and relaxed into the whole process instead of efforting so frantically; I will be sticking with Law 1 and my commitments to use meditation, nature, and non-judgement to bring me back in touch with who I really am.

For almost a week I have practiced being mindful of the field of pure potentiality; the stillness, the energy, the divinity that runs through me and everyone; inside and outside everything and everyone. I have practiced meditation (sort of), communed with nature, and tried to let go of the need to label and judge. And do you know what has become more and more apparent as I’ve done all this?… Excuses!

As so often happens, as soon as I commited to doing these things my days became full of circumstances to test that commitment! I haven’t managed to make the time for ‘proper’ meditation in the traditional sense – i.e. sitting silently still. But what I have done is combine my meditation time and communing with nature with my daily communtes through the park. I usually listen to music as I walk, but this week I have kept it off. I have brought my awareness to my surroundings – the sights, the sounds, the feel of ground beneath my feet; and at times this has opened me to that wonderful feeling where you feel less separated from all around you by the physical boundaries of the body, and more connected to it all through getting a sense of that unifying energy that exists. I have found when I reach this point that I literally carry my head a little higher, smile more, and I’ve experimented with trying to catch the eye of the people I pass to give them a smile So while excuses have abounded for why I haven’t been able to sit down and meditate ‘properly’, I’m glad I’ve at least incorporated it this way.

The commitment to ‘judge nothing that occurs’, on the other hand, has been decidedly trickier! Situations have abounded where it has been so easy, so instinctive, and where it seems so justified to judge. Where I’ve fallen down in my non-judgement efforts though, I’ve had opportunity to practice emotional awareness: acknowledging the feelings that are coming up, accepting them (which is not the same as condoning them), letting them be, and letting them go. And then having another go at choosing a more deliberate, conscious, peaceful, non-judgmental perspective and approach.

In both cases – with the meditation and the non-judgment – things have not gone as I expected. But in both cases, learning is still taking place none-the-less. Though I do think I’ll need to stick with this law longer than 10 days to get the learning I’d like before moving on to add more commitments…